This article looks at conflict within relationships where both people are fundamentally trying to care for and respect one another. If your relationship involves repeated patterns of fear, humiliation, control, intimidation or abuse, these strategies may not be appropriate or safe, and specialist support may be needed instead.
Have you ever really thought about how you deal with conflict? About whether you do it well, or if you’d actually like to improve on it?
Unless, like many of the couples and individuals I see for counselling, conflict has started having a real impact on your relationship, it may not be something you’ve consciously thought much about before.
In this article, I’d like to share some of the insights I’ve learnt in my work about how to handle conflict in relationships. Because, contrary to what many people assume, it is possible to get much better at handling conflict. And as a result, calmer, happier, more satisfying relationships can often become possible for people willing to try something different.
Most conflict follows a pattern.
Firstly, there is a trigger; something hits a nerve or presses a button. Perhaps your partner made a comment or request and suddenly, too quickly for you to be consciously aware of it, your nervous system has registered a threat and has kicked into action.
Next, there is a wave of feelings and thoughts. For most people, these stay under the surface and we find ourselves already responding with some kind of behaviour. But it really helps to acknowledge these feelings and thoughts as fully as possible. This is part of the untangling that happens in individual and couples counselling.
Some examples might be:
These are painful experiences. No wonder we instinctively rush to protect ourselves from them.
Finally, we take action. Here are some of the knee-jerk responses people often have when they are overwhelmed by difficult feelings:
Frustratingly, the action one person takes often becomes a trigger for the other person, and a negative spiral begins:
The more you pursue, the more I withdraw. The more I withdraw, the more you pursue.
In counselling, the first step is usually recognising the pattern, something that is often possible within a single session.
Then I ask: What other actions could you take that might help you get your needs met more effectively?
Most people don’t realise they have more options than fighting back or submitting, so this is where new ideas and tools can really help.
Before sharing some of those tools below, it’s worth saying that simply identifying the negative spiral together can already loosen the gridlock. This is because it allows each partner to become more vulnerable about the deeper feelings beneath their surface behaviour.
Suddenly, there is more context for interpreting someone withdrawing or becoming defensive. It still hurts, but it may not mean you don’t matter to them. In fact, sometimes the opposite is true.
Perhaps they care so much that a certain comment instantly makes them feel like a frightened child. They lose access to their adult functioning and begin to sulk or lash out verbally.
When you can hold onto this perspective, and challenge the assumption that you don’t matter, you become less trapped in your side of the spiral. The NHS also highlights how communication, boundaries and managing conflict respectfully can play an important role in maintaining healthy relationships and emotional wellbeing. You can read more on NHS Every Mind Matters.
Why this works
Why this works
Why this works
Why this works
This is one to say inside to yourself rather than out loud. It’s a cliché (and a book title) but one that we often forget is an option.
In conflicts that boil down to something like neat vs relaxed, on time vs late, higher vs lower sex drive, home-body vs party animal, what each of us see as ‘right’ or ‘better’ is more a matter of opinion than we usually think.
For a relationship to feel safe for both people, there has to be room for both people to be fully understood and respected. When there is only space for one person to be right, or to have their needs taken seriously, the relationship becomes too small, claustrophobic and one person is likely to begin ‘looking out the window’.
In this article, I was only able to scratch the surface of the wealth of ideas and tools that are available for detoxifying conflict in relationships. The suggested statements are each powerful but might need to be adapted and customised to suit your style and situation.
I hope that this article has given you a useful introduction to what can become possible for anyone when people are willing to reflect on their conflict style and experiment with something new.
If this article has resonated with you, and you feel your relationship is fundamentally caring but stuck in difficult patterns, couples counselling or individual therapy may help you to better understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
If you’d like to explore this further, you’re very welcome to use the contact form below or send me a message via my profile, Bonnie Davies, for an informal chat about whether working together might feel helpful.
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